Do You Think Of Me
by taybaby2111
Summary: After being heartbroken by the only man she's ever loved, and being rehabilitated by endless amounts of spirit magic, Rose develops some spirit of her own—she has the ability to dream walk and invade her lover's thoughts. But when Rose realizes that those she loves and cares about are working against her, she must use her newfound insanity to get to the bottom of it.


**SURPRISE SURPRISE!**

 **I've had this story in the works for a while, and I decided to share this with you guys! Obviously, Forever will be my main priority, but I really want to work on this story too. I promise, it's a bit confusing, but I will work things out in the next chapter. I will not have a set update schedule for this story either, but they will probably occur soon after a Forever update.**

 **Alrighty folks, as always, I don't own Vampire Academy, but in no way, shape, or form should this story be duplicated without specific permission.**

* * *

I had only been weak a few times in my life.

I was weak when Mason died. But of course, that void was filled by Dimitri.

I was weak when I though Dimitri was dead. That's when I knew my feelings for him were solidified—I loved him no matter what.

I was weak when I was Dimitri's blood whore in Siberia. Obviously, that wasn't me—I was hopped up on vampiric salivia endorphins—but Dimitri was still there, he still wanted me, and I pulled through.

I was weak when I let Adrian drink from me. I was so desperate for something that would take my mind off Dimitri that I went the exact thing that I'd been against my entire life.

I was weak when he told me he didn't love me anymore. In the back of my mind, I knew that wasn't true—he helped break me out of prison, protect me from rogue guardians, and he practically risked his life for me—eventually he caved.

I figured my entire life had been enumerated by then. I'd be Lissa's guardian, Dimitri's future wife, and the same badass I'd always been.

It wasn't often that I didn't want to return from Lehigh, but this time, I'd wished I'd hit my head right before we landed, and forgotten everything that had ever happened in the past two years. I remember that day as if it were yesterday.

 _I couldn't sit still on the plane._

 _The bitchy flight attendant had told me to buckle my seat belt more times than I could count. I was perfectly ready to jump out of the god forsaken plane and skydive my way to Dimitri. My adrenaline was at an all-time high; it almost seemed more rogue than when I'm fighting Strigoi, or trying my best to stay out of trouble. Considering Lissa hadn't seen Christian for as long as I hadn't seen Dimitri, I was surprised that she was sleeping, of all things. It was finally summer break, and I was ready to spend the next three months getting it on with my soulmate._

 _I felt slight movement beside me, and turned to face my best friend._

 _"_ _Rose, can you please sit still? If you keep this up, we aren't going to be able to fly commercial anymore." She pleaded sleepily, rubbing her eyes, and checking the time on her phone._

 _"_ _I'd rather use the court's private jet. It smells like sweat and old meatloaf in here." I ruffled her hair a bit. "Besides, it's cramped, and loud and my ass hurts. These seats are hard as a rock."_

 _"_ _We need to stay as inconspicuous as possible. This is the real world—you're not Rose Hathaway the badass guardian right now. You're Rose Hathaway the college student. Embrace it for the next two hours."_

 _"_ _Oh bite me," I groaned, leaning back in my seat and pressing my boots into the chair in front of me. "Have you talked to Sparky lately?"_

 _She shakes her head. "Believe me, I tried. The Wi-Fi in here sucks."_

 _I looked at her fulsomely. "Another reason why we should use the court's jet."_

 _She rolled her eyes at me. "Maybe next time. Just for you."_

 _I smiled widely, and gave her a swift pat on the back. "I won't be the only one to enjoy it, you know. The cushioned seats, the margaritas, the hot tub..." I let my voice trail out and I could tell she knew exactly how she was getting back to Lehigh after break._

 _"_ _Stop tempting me." She placed a finger to my lips. "I'm in desperate need of a drink right now."_

 _"_ _Same here, sister." I grabbed my throw pillow from beneath my seat and propped it beneath head. "I'm raiding Adrian's stash as soon as we get back."_

 _She looked at me quizzically. "So I assume you two are on good terms?"_

 _I nodded. "It took a lot of help from Sydney, and lots of liquor, but eventually he forgave me. He and I actually had plans to go out for lunch when we get back."_

 _"_ _That's good. I didn't like seeing either of you like that." She said solemnly, touching my shoulder lightly. "So, have you talked to Dimitri lately?"_

 _"_ _Four days ago. This two week dry spell is really starting to get to me." I tilted my head back in frustration. Just thinking about sex and Dimitri at the same time was enough to get me hot and bothered._

 _"_ _I feel your pain. I have it worse though, we actually have to use condoms."_

 _Her quick mention of condoms immediately blasted me back to when I almost slept with Adrian. That had been an immense moment of weakness that I didn't want to relive, considering I was about to come face to face with the love of my life in less than two hours. In all honestly, Adrian was the last person I wanted to think about right now._

 _Instead of wallowing over past memories, I stuck my tongue out at her. "I guess whichever way the cookie crumbles, you'll have to use some form of protection. I do have to say Lissa, you're really missing out. Bareback is the best—for both of us."_

 _She rolled her eyes. "You know, sometimes I wish I was a Dhampir. I mean, you're strong, and fast, and you can eat real food."_

 _I chuckled a bit at her words, but at the same time, I was a bit surprised. She'd never once told me anything like that. "You can eat real food, Liss."_

 _"_ _Yeah, but it's not as good as blood. And if I don't have blood, I die. Sometimes I wish I could live off Twinkies, but you know, the world doesn't work that way."_

 _"_ _Being a Dhampir has its downfalls, Liss." I had to reassure her that being a Dhampir isn't all that. "We get virtually no say in what happens in court. And, if you're like me, you can't have babies with others of your kind." Unfortunately, I'd never have a little baby Belikov._

 _"_ _Yeah, but you can protect yourself. You're strong. If you hadn't been there I never would've escaped from Victor."_

 _"_ _Lissa, this is what we're meant to do. I mean, there has to be some reason why we're stronger than Moroi. There has to be some reason why we're strong enough to fight and kill Strigoi. And oddly enough, Strigoi like to feed off you, filthy bastards. But that's beside the point—this is how it is. And either you can embrace being the Moroi queen, or you'll be forever wanting what you can't have."_

 _She smiled up at me a bit. "That's the wisest thing you've said all day."_

 _"_ _I have my moments."_

 _"_ _And," She started, "I have something else to tell you." Her eyes were hooded, but they were devious—I look I was all too familiar with._

 _And she was holding back. "What is it, Liss?"_

 _"_ _You have to promise to sit still for the rest of the ride." She was playing hard to get—perhaps she's spending way too much time with me._

 _I huffed, and threw my hands in the air. "Okay! Okay, I'll sit still! Now tell me!"_

 _Her eyes went serious, and she leaned in closer to my face. "Now I need you to promise me something else."_

 _"_ _What is it?"_

 _"_ _You can't tell anyone about this. Nobody! Not even Dimitri."_

 _I groaned in frustration. I was losing my non-existent patience. "Okay! I won't! Now tell. Me."_

 _"_ _Okay," She started, taking in a deep breath before speaking. "When we get back to court, I'm implementing a new bill. I want to get a Dhampir council made. Twelve Dhampirs who'll make decisions on a royal standpoint."_

 _I could feel my breath hitch in my throat. This was only the one thing I've dreamt about since I was a little girl. It never really hit me that I felt so passionately about Dhampirs having a voice, but hearing my best friend—the queen, no less—tell me that I'll finally have a say in what happens to me and others of my kind._

 _"_ _R- r- really?" I stammered, trying to control my breathing. "You're serious?"_

 _"_ _Yes. It was a close vote, seven to five, but the majority of us agree—Dhampirs deserve a right to speak up for themselves."_

 _I was trying so hard not to cry at her words, so I sucked in a harsh breath and composed myself. "So, uh, what made you want to do this? I mean, it just seems so, out of the blue."_

 _"_ _Well, you said something to me before you left for Siberia. You talked about how it's not always about me, and how you had to do something for yourself. Well, I wanted to do this for you."_

 _Without a hitch, I grabbed Lissa and clung to her tightly. This was the most anyone had ever done for me in my entire life, and I knew the only way I could repay Lissa was to be the best guardian I can for her, and put her first the best that I can. This was more than I could ask for._

 _"_ _Wow, Lissa," I began, letting her go and wiping my eyes. "I don't know what to say."_

 _She smiled at me and wiped away a stray tear. "It's the least I could do. You've dedicated your life to me. You deserve this." She took a sip of her water. "Plus, I wanted you to be the lead member of the council. I figure you'd pick the best of the best to sit beside you."_

 _My badass demeanor was gone at this point. She was laying it on pretty thick, and I was afraid that if she kept talking, I was going to become a blubbery old woman. I guess my heightened emotions from missing Dimitri are coming back to bite me; I've never gotten this emotional over anything before—scratch that, there's been a few times, but they were all justifiable, considering they all had something to do with loss and death. This is the first time in my life that I've cried happy tears._

 _"_ _Rose, no need to get upset." Lissa said, smiling as she lightly rubbed my shoulder._

 _"_ _I'm not upset, Liss." I started, sniffling loudly as I tilted my chin up swiftly. "I was just happy, that's all." I wiped the tears from my face, and held my head up high, a stoic look on my face. "I'm better now. Badass guardian is back."_

 _"_ _Good." She said, laying her head back on her pillow. "I'm the sniffly, cry-ey one. This is weird."_

 _"_ _I know. I just miss Dimitri, and my emotions are getting the best of me." I grabbed my bottle of water and took a sip. "You know, using the gym at the school is nothing like training with him. I think that's when I miss him the most."_

 _"_ _I miss Christian when I'm in the library. They have some windows in the very back that look really similar to the ones back at the academy." She said, toying with a piece of hair. "The first day, I got so upset that someone called the nurse because they thought I was hurt."_

 _We both laughed, and I smiled widely at her when an idea popped into my head. "You know, I could use a new training buddy…"_

 _"_ _No." She said urgently, her face going stern within an instant. "Rose, you would pummel me. See? If I were a Dhampir, I'd be able to do things like this for you!"_

 _I pat her shoulder and gave her a quick nudge. "You do enough for me. I'm just joking." She looked relieved. "But, I can guarantee you that as soon as I get back to court I'm sparring with Dimitri until I'm passed out unconscious. It's been too long."_

 _She chuckled at me. "You're really going to regret that you know."_

 _"_ _Yeah, but I live dangerously. Plus, it would give him a reason to stay and play nurse with me all day tomorrow."_

 _Lissa frowned a bit, throwing me off guard. "I have so many royal things to attend to that I won't even get a chance to see Christian tomorrow." She pushed some hair back impulsively. "God, I hate being queen sometimes."_

 _"_ _Don't say that. You're the best thing that's ever happened to the Moroi world. Besides, you give me ridiculous bragging rights. It's not every day a Dhampir can say that their best friend is royalty, let alone the queen."_

 _"_ _I'm glad my misery helps you talk a good game, Rose." She came off quite harsh, but lightened up a bit at my expression. "I'm sorry, it's just sometimes this royalty thing gets to my head. And the spirit—it's all just too much to handle sometimes. And unlike Adrian, I can't drink away all my problems."_

 _Losing the bond with Lissa was both a blessing and a curse. I had a bit or normalcy—once I got used to it, anyway—to not having someone else's thoughts invade my own. I felt more like my own person again, not to say I still wouldn't easily lay my life down for her, but it was easier to shut out my guardian duties and just relax—I'm not constantly on my toes anymore._

 _I felt freer from Lissa. As bad as that sounds, I did. She used to be the epicenter my world revolved around. I was earth, in orbit around the all-powerful sun. And not to say that the bond wasn't helpful—it's saved both our asses on more than one occasion—but her and I both had to learn to live without. I'd never be the best guardian I could be unless I realized what it was like not to have her telling me exactly what she's doing or where she is._

 _But, when her spirit gets tumultuous, I can't take any of it off her anymore. I'm pretty sure that's what got us through high school. She's all on her own now, and there isn't much for me to do. Sometime, I give her my old bracelet from Oksana, and that helps, but she can't wear it for too long before it all comes back again. She usually has it on during class, or when she's trying to study, but it usually comes back in full force when she takes it off. Am I grateful that I'm no longer going mad alongside her? Yes. But do I wish I could make her pain go away like I used too. Absolutely._

 _"_ _Rose?"_

 _I blinked my eyes a few times, and focused on her. "Sorry, Liss. Zoned out."_

 _She chuckled. "I can tell. You okay?"_

 _I smirked. "I could ask you the same question. If the spirit has been flaring up, why the hell didn't you tell me?"_

 _She ran her fingers through her hair and groaned exasperatedly. "Rose, it's not as bad as it used to be. Adrian taught me this new trick. You channel all your bad energy into an object."_

 _"_ _Maybe his should be alcohol bottles."_

 _She shook her head at my remark, and kept talking. "I've been doing it mainly on rocks. I keep them in a shoebox in my closet. It helps, for the most part. I still get flare ups. It's normal."_

 _"_ _All I'm saying is that he should practice what he preaches."_

 _"_ _He has it way worse than I do. I had someone that counteracted my spirit for a good three years."_

 _I rolled my eyes and moved on. "Obviously it hasn't affected your grade, miss four point oh GPA. I still have no idea how you managed to do that."_

 _She cracked her winning smiled, and lightly punched my shoulder. "I'm the queen. I'm capable of a lot of things. Even getting good grades."_

 _"_ _Hey! A three point eight isn't that bad."_

 _She shook her head at me disappointedly. "Which class was it Rose?"_

 _"_ _My math class. I'm going into physical training! I could give two fucks about what two plus two is, or the area of a goddamn circle."_

 _"_ _Well, I assume your biology grade is better then?"_

 _I tilted my chin up. "It's anatomy and physiology, FYI. But yes, I had a ninety-four this semester."_

 _"_ _That's good." She said, closing her eyes briefly. "In all honesty, I thought it was the English class that you'd screw up in."_

 _"_ _I thought so too, but MLA format isn't that hard when you apply yourself."_

 _"_ _That's true. Lord knows the only thing you applied yourself in at the academy was 'kick-ass one oh one'."_

 _"_ _Before you told me about wanting to go to college, I assumed that my life would be dedicated to kicking ass." I said solemnly. "Don't get me wrong, it still is, but now I have to get good grades. Again."_

 _"_ _It's just like being back at school, isn't it?"_

 _I shook my head. "You're lucky I love you. Yesterday I daydreamed that my professor was Dimitri, giving a lecture about the lymphatic system. It was hard to sit through, considering they're both built the same." I shuttered a bit at the memory. "They look similar in the face too. I was so close to getting out of my chair and tackling him."_

 _"_ _Which professor was it?"_

 _"_ _Robilard."_

 _Her eyes widened in realization. "I literally saw him and yelled out for Dimitri for a good five minutes. When he was closer I knew it wasn't him, but from afar, he's like a splitting image." She shook her head. "He came over and asked me if I was lost."_

 _I chuckled at her, and leaned back in my seat. "He's driving me fucking crazy, Liss. Every time I see him, I see Dimitri. I haven't seen him in forever."_

 _"_ _It's been two weeks, Rose."_

 _"_ _Not when you have a sexy, Russian boyfriend waiting for you at home. Two weeks feels like two years."_

 _"_ _Tell me about it. Last time we were at court, I didn't get to see Christian at all. It's been more like a month for me."_

 _I felt my heart constrict a bit. I couldn't imagine going more than two weeks away from Dimitri, let alone an entire month—I'd drive myself crazy. "I'm sorry, Liss. He'll be at the airport, won't he?"_

 _She nodded, a smile returning to her face. "Yes. Oh, and he told me to tell you that Dimitri will be waiting for you at court."_

 _Hopefully naked. "Okay."_

 _I was a bit disappointed to hear that he wouldn't be there to pick me up, considering he's the one constantly begging me to come home, or skyping me at one AM when I should be sleeping. That seemed a bit odd._

 _"_ _I'm going back to sleep, Rose. I can't keep my eyes open."_

 _I nodded, and pulled her blanket over her. "Okay. I'll wake you when we land."_

 _She turned her head and drifted off, leaving me alone to my thoughts of a tall, dark Russian, waiting for me with no clothes on._

 _The moment the car passed through the gates of the court, my nerves were haywire._

 _I was sitting in the back seat of the car—Lissa and Christian were groping each other up front—and I couldn't help but knit my fingers in my hand and wait anxiously. I was finally going to see Dimitri; it seemed like an eternity since I'd laid eyes on him, and the only thing I wanted to do right now was hold him until he couldn't breathe, and fall asleep in his arms tonight. Not only was I excited to see him, but I was ecstatic over the new guardian council. It's going to be extremely difficult to keep that from Dimitri, but I knew I had to keep my word—Lissa made it very clear that I had to keep it a secret. I assumed it was because it was still in the works; nothing was quite guaranteed and she didn't want me getting anyone's hopes up._

 _Lucky for her, my hopes are already through the fucking roof._

 _Every fiber of my being wanted this to come true. Even though she was a sadistic bitch, Tasha and I met on somewhat of a common ground when it came to Dhampir involvement in court matters. We needed to have a voice in the decisions made about us—because they were about us. Moroi would never understand what it's like to walk in our shoes, and Dhampirs would never know what it's like to be Moroi—it only makes sense that Dhampirs make decisions for Dhampirs._

 _And I get to make them—if this works out._

 _"_ _We're here, Rose."_

 _My head shot up, and Lissa and Christian were both looking at me eying my deviously. They knew exactly what I was going after._

 _We all got out of the car and I hugged Christian softly, patting his back twice before pulling away. "Looking good, Sparky. You miss me?"_

 _He rolled his eyes, and put an arm around Lissa. "About as much as I like slitting my own throat."_

 _Lissa slapped his arm playfully and nudged him over. "Be nice. You can't say you didn't miss her a little bit."_

 _"_ _I didn't. I missed you." He said, grabbing her again and kissing her swiftly on the lips._

 _"_ _Ugh, gross." I said, dramatically shielding my eyes. "There's one person I know that misses me, and I know exactly where he is." I grabbed my suitcase and my bag, waving them off. "Later losers."_

 _I raced into court housing without a hitch, slamming into the double doors with my shoulders and nearly hitting the front desk. Oddly, Mikhail was standing behind it, typing something on the computer._

 _"_ _Rose! You're back." He said, smiling softly._

 _"_ _And your life just got a thousand times better." I said, dropping my bags to hug him quickly. "How's Sonya?"_

 _"_ _She's good." He mumbled, looking back down at the screen before meeting my eyes again. "But, there's someone waiting upstairs for you. I'll catch up with you later." He winked and waved me off, his eyes flashing from the elevator to the stairs._

 _I grinned widely. "I'll talk to you tomorrow. See ya, Mikhail."_

 _I ran as fast as I could to the elevator, slammed on the button until the door finally opened and stepped in, pressing the bright '5' button and bouncing on my heels as the doors shut and the elevator ascended upwards toward my love._

 _As soon as the elevator stopped and the doors opened, I darted down the hallway until I stopped at my door._

 _I couldn't find my key fast enough._

 _My palms were sweating ridiculously, and I could barely keep a tight grip on the doorknob. This was it—the moment I'd been waiting for for two weeks. I was finally going to see Dimitri. All I really wanted to do was tackle him, and kiss him, and smack him for not visiting more often. Going two weeks without the love of your life is a very difficult task._

 _"_ _Dimitri?" I called out, dropping my bags as the door finally swung open. "Hello?"_

 _I trekked into the bedroom, and found nothing but a slip of paper on the bed._

 _I was scared. Scratch that—I was terrified. Finding a note on your bed instead of your naked boyfriend was a definite disappointment, but I was genuinely starting to become fearful. I wanted him here with me—Mikhail even said that he was waiting up here—and seeing this piece of paper only made me immensely agitated._

 _I sat down on the bed and gripped the paper in my hands. Unfolding it, I read it slowly._

 _Rose,_

 _I'm leaving. This isn't working anymore._

 _Don't come looking for me._

 _This is for the best._

 _-D_

 _The last thing I remember before passing out was a single tear sliding down my cheek._

My name is Rose Hathaway, and I was born to die.

My sole purpose in life is to protect the Moroi, in this case, my best friend Lissa, and being the queen, her life is in danger more than it isn't. Someone is always after her, whether it be Strigoi, Moroi, or even the occasional Dhampir.

When I used to picture how I would die, I always imagined being shot for Lissa—much like I was by Tasha Ozera—or having my neck cracked during battle with a Strigoi. Did I ever imagine my own emotions killing me? Never.

Did I ever imagine loving someone being the sole purpose behind my death? Never.

But when your love becomes your life, something so tangible and weak, one small blow of the deck and all the cards come crashing down.

I want my tombstone to say _'Death by Love'_ or maybe, if Abe is feeling a little more accusatory, it can say _'Death by Hot Tall Russian'._ Any way he can blame the one who caused all this, the better.

I've never wanted death so much in my lifetime.

I've never wanted to give up so easily before. I've never felt so tired and worn out by crying, something I usually only did on occasion—I was now crying during any spare moment I got. It's been almost three months, and I do more crying than I do speaking.

I never thought the love of my life would cause my demise, but I guess I should've seen it coming.

 _Great, more things to tell the shrink._

Have you ever seen something or done something so many times that now, whenever you even think about it, you just want to gouge your eyes out?

That just about sums up how I feel right now.

I can't even count how many times Lissa has made me visit the court shrink. She always tells me that when I'm more crazy than she is, there's a problem. Does that mean I want to spend an hour and a half telling some stranger—I mean, she's not really a stranger anymore—all of my issues? Absolutely not, but the queen's orders are not ones to disobeyed.

Sitting in the waiting area is even worse than seeing the shrink. I never realized how many people around the court have issues—probably not as confusing or fucked up as mine—but it reassured me that I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only one who's mind was doing more harm than good.

"Rose? Dr. Kilmova is ready for you."

I rose to my feet, and sluggishly made my way into Dr. K's office.

Her office was comforting. That's one good thing I could say about being with her. The walls were a deep beige color, complimenting the crème colored furniture. The small chaise lounge across from her desk was a pale white, as was her desk and chair. She had a deep ebony shelf behind her, holding her diploma, psychiatry license, as well as some books about _'the science of mind'_. I probably stared at those more than I did at her.

"Welcome back, Rose. How are you feeling?"

I plopped down on the chair, and put my head in my hands. "It never changed Dr. K. I still feel as shitty as I did last week."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I assume the anti-deppressants I gave you don't work, then?"

"Nope."

"Not at all?"

"No."

"And the spirit doesn't help much?" I was surprised at how concerned she looked.

But, don't even get me started on spirit.

If you thought a vampire's bite was addictive, spirit is that times twenty.

I only get 'treatments' once a week, and they wear off after a few hours, but for that period of time I actually feel functional. I can hold a conversation with Lissa or Eddie, I can eat without wanting to throw it all up. But when it goes away, I only want more of it. It's no wonder Lissa and Adrian go crazy, not having it makes me want to claw my way out of my own skin.

"It does, but it doesn't last very long." I say calmly.

"And you haven't had any weird side effects?"

I wanted to say no, I really wanted to, but I couldn't. There she goes again, Dr. K hitting the nail on the head, as usual.

"I have been having these really weird dreams. They don't feel like dreams though. It's as if I'm in someone's head. It reminds me of when I was bonded to Lissa, but it's way different. It doesn't feel like I'm just watching through their eyes, it's like I'm invading their mind."

"How so?"

"Well, I thought to myself, 'this is weird', but as soon as I thought it, the person I was 'bonded' to thought the same thing. Then I thought 'fuck', and so did they. I said 'what the hell' and they didn't say it back, but they thought it. Once they realized something weird was going on I woke up, but it didn't feel like I woke up from a dream. It was as if I pulled myself out of their head." I used air quotes way to many times for my liking.

Dr. K also never fails to hold up her barriers. She's usually so collected and cool, but my mention of my strange dreams seem to be more unusual than I thought because she immediately began writing something down in her notepad.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, cocking my head to the side.

"Everything's fine." Bullshit. "Tell me, when do you find that you have these dreams?"

I scratched my head a bit. "Usually a few hours after my spirit wears off. Seriously, is something wrong?"

She sighs. "When was the last time you had a treatment?"

"Yesterday?"

"Have you told Lissa about this? Or Adrian?"

I threw my hands in the air. "Enough with the Spanish Inquisition! What's wrong?"

And before she could answer, I was sucked up into their head again.

* * *

 **I bet we can all guess who's head she's sucked up in...**

 **I hope you all like this!**

 **-Tay**


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